Is This The Easiest Way To Tell If Your Car Is Ugly?

"El-Verde" (el-verde) 10/23/2014 at 10:30 • Filed to: YOUR CAR IS UGLY, GROUNDED TO THE GROUND

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Last night, as I was sitting in my garage, I was staring at my Porsche 911 and wondering what exactly it is that makes my car so beautiful .

Oh, I didn't mention I own a Porsche 911? A 997 generation Porsche 911 Carerra S, to be specific? Silly me. Sometimes when I meet new people, I forget to tell them that I own a Porsche 911 right away. Eventually, I find a way to bring it up and we have a wonderful conversation about its rich racing heritage, unmatched build quality, and unique handling characteristics. Often times they are so overwhelmed with reverence that they allow me to do approximately 95% of the talking. Their eyes soon glaze over with wonder, almost as if they are focusing on what is on the TV just behind my head, or even thinking about what might be on that TV a few hours from now.

It's powerful stuff.

Back to my story. I am staring at my 911, and I am wondering exactly why the car is beautiful. Surely it's not just the obscenely sexual and wide hips, or the staggered wheel fitment, or the fact that the fit and finish of the leather and other interior surfaces is of a quality that is practically unmatched in the automotive world.

No, there is something else, and I think I've got it figured out. I have invested many hours in this theory, which I predict one day might be called "The Rosetta Stone of Automotive Design." I am sharing this groundbreaking discovery with my fellow Opponauts first. Behold:

A CAR IS BEAUTIFUL IF THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER OF THE VEHICLE IS IN THE REAR HALF OF THE VEHICLE WHILE SAID DRIVER IS DRIVING SAID VEHICLE

And, conversely:

A CAR IS UGLY IF THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER OF THE VEHICLE IS IN THE FRONT HALF OF THE VEHICLE WHILE SAID DRIVER IS DRIVING SAID VEHICLE

Now, I know this is a lot to understand all at once. It's taken me a long time to get here. So, I've taken the liberty of spending almost 10 minutes on a visual aid to help make my point. Which of the following cars is beautiful ?

That Porsche 911? The Ford GT that was, clearly, hastily flipped horizontally in Photoshop to match the format of the rest of the photos? The Bugatti Atlantic, ladies? These are all obviously beautiful cars.

However, that Toyota Camry Hybrid is so revolting I am fighting back the urge to vomit just by looking in its general direction. It's unsightliness is an affront to even my peripheral vision. Nobody could argue that the Toyota Camry Hybrid is a beautiful car, and if they did I would surely knock them down and stomp upon them until I was satisfied that they were completely grounded to the ground for eternity.

So, there is my research. I feel that it is thorough and complete, but I also recognize, as a man of science, that I must present this for peer review. This is where you come in.

Is there a truly beautiful car that has broken this golden rule? Trucks, vans, and SUVs do not count. Show me I am wrong. I dare you.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:33

228

You're wrong

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:36

5

You know what? You're absolutely right! :)

youshiftem > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:36

3

I've actually had this conversation about GM A-bodies (while we were staring at ours, because we have a few, did I mention we own a few muscle cars?) and we came to the same conclusion.

El-Verde > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 10/23/2014 at 10:37

7

I should have anticipated this in my article and excluded racecars, because racecar. I think it's harder to quantify their beauty vs. functionality.

Bandit > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:37

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The problem here is all of the good looking cars in the example are coupes. Find a good looking 4-door that can fill in the half way rule.

MIATAAAA > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:38

7

Challenge accepted.

Boom.

Jayhawk Jake > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:40

23

Except the 911 isn't beautiful.

The Cayman is much more attractive. The 911's butt is way too big for me to call it 'beautiful'

Dsscats > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:40

36

Lelnope

Sam > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:40

2

Dsscats > Dsscats 10/23/2014 at 10:41

32

More nope

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:42

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Head's dead center:

Dsscats > Dsscats 10/23/2014 at 10:42

12

And more

crowmolly > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:43

6

1966 Coronet Hemi 500.

1957 Nomad

1959 Cadillac El Dorado Biarritz

Mattbob > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:43

6

you have pretty much said that all sedans and wagons are ugly. This rule is bullshit.

El-Verde > youshiftem 10/23/2014 at 10:43

0

A-Body, you say? Here's mine :D

Doesn't qualify as beautiful by my measurements but that's OK....it's a truck!

El-Verde > Mattbob 10/23/2014 at 10:44

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Reading these responses I'm thinking better phrasing might be: "A car is not beautiful if...." rather than simply calling it ugly.

The words, they hurt.

El-Verde > crowmolly 10/23/2014 at 10:47

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That's a close one.

JR1 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:47

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I mean I think you have a good idea but it is a little flawed when one looks at a Duesy. But it is a key feature that can make a car beautiful.

El-Verde > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 10/23/2014 at 10:48

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It's awfully close, isn't it?

I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:48

7

So this wonderful piece of Swedish engineering isn't beautiful?

El-Verde > JR1 10/23/2014 at 10:49

1

Ah, but the person truly "driving" this magnificent specimen is likely in the backseat, no?

And I'm actually looking at that and thinking the drivers head may still be behind center.

El-Verde > JR1 10/23/2014 at 10:50

1

El-Verde > I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner 10/23/2014 at 10:51

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Awesome? Absolutely. And I love it.

Beautiful? Nahhhhhh.

JR1 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:51

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I disagree. The owner of a Phaeton Duesenberg would be driving themselves if it was a down car the "driver" would be in the rear.

And I think the head is perhaps dead center with a little forward bias maybe .

I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:52

5

Haha as a brick owner myself I have to agree with you there

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:52

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Mini

El-Verde > Bandit 10/23/2014 at 10:53

0

See the Dusenberg I marked up somewhere in the comments here. But I'm with you...I think most beautiful cars are coupes.

El-Verde > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 10/23/2014 at 10:56

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crowmolly > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:56

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Yeah, dead center is right at the leading edge of the door handle. But you sit in front of that.

I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 10:56

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I think you're on to something here. I remember hearing something about Astons being the most mathematically beautiful cars because of proportions, they follow the golden ratio. The golden ratio would mean that the driver is in the 2nd half of the car that way!

El-Verde > JR1 10/23/2014 at 10:57

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see my image. I'd argue slightly behind center regardless.

El-Verde > crowmolly 10/23/2014 at 10:59

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But where is your head? This is based on head, not bum. Look at actual side profile images of these and I think you'll be surprised how far back you actually are.

El-Verde > Sam 10/23/2014 at 11:02

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Wish we could get a shot of someone sitting in the drivers seat with less tint but...I think it meets the rule, even though I'm not sure it's beautiful.

El-Verde > MIATAAAA 10/23/2014 at 11:03

0

Haha...her head is actually shockingly close to the centerline.

But c'mon... beautiful? I think not.

El-Verde > Jayhawk Jake 10/23/2014 at 11:04

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I hate you immeasurably. But I will now follow you to show I am not a man who holds a grudge.

crowmolly > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:04

4

Remember there is some thickness to your body.

El-Verde > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 10/23/2014 at 11:04

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A man after my own heart.

El-Verde > crowmolly 10/23/2014 at 11:06

0

Body doesn't count! It's the head only. And wow he is sitting close to that steering wheel.

Still...ultimately...is this the car people think of when they think "beautiful"?. It's awesome, and I have a musclecar too, but it's not exactly a design study here.

JR1 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:06

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I stand corrected. But this Packard is gorgeous and driver is up front.

Like I said though more or less you are correct there just are some exceptions.

El-Verde > Dsscats 10/23/2014 at 11:08

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pretty close.

JR1 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:08

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See my counter argument although you are correct with the Duesy. Interesting post by the way I like it

Jayhawk Jake > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:08

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I've tried to like 911s, I really have. But I just can't...they're too expensive, I don't find them particularly attractive, they don't sound that great to me...they do nothing for me.

I autocross with the local PCA. Someone has been bringing a new Cayman. Now THAT car does something for me, it's simply gorgeous in a way the 911 will never be.

El-Verde > Dsscats 10/23/2014 at 11:09

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no.

El-Verde > Dsscats 10/23/2014 at 11:10

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All the nopes.

El-Verde > JR1 10/23/2014 at 11:12

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thank you sir!

El-Verde > JR1 10/23/2014 at 11:12

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I'm having a hard time disagreeing with this. I'll find a way.

El-Verde > Jayhawk Jake 10/23/2014 at 11:14

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Well, first, let me just say you're wrong.

And secondly, my wife absolutely loves the way the new Cayman looks. And it's better balanced, and will almost certainly out autocross a Carrera.

But I cannot agree due to my money is spent. Oh and also, I have the Porsche Sport Exhaust and it sound freaking amazing.

philipilihp > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 10/23/2014 at 11:14

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That is a beauty and I want one. You are a fine human specimen for owning and washing such a magnificent piece of art.

Milky > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:18

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I'm okay with this rule. Its all about proportions.

crowmolly > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:22

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Beauty is subjective. A black '66 Coronet that has been well cared for and polished is beautiful to me. The same way a '70 LS6 or '67 Sting Ray would be. It has style in the classic sense. The red one with the body colored wheels and no hubcaps is lacking, I will say that.

To take it further, there are a lot of people that would disagree about the 911 platform in the same way. Excellent car, excellent pedigree with awesome performance but lacking in the style department. Uninspired, stale, and very "German" in the sense that looks are last.

Milky > I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner 10/23/2014 at 11:23

29

Yupp, I even studied this shit when I was in school.

El-Verde > crowmolly 10/23/2014 at 11:23

0

Bite your tongue.

BarryDanger > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:24

2

Can boring be beautiful?

Rico > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:26

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I barely see any sedans, are there no pretty sedans?!

melikecars > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:26

0

I think this breaks the rule.

Wheelerguy > Milky 10/23/2014 at 11:27

0

OK, now I gotta do this in Paint. Or anyone else.

Redbulldidlo > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:27

2

There are also shooting brakes and wagons which look awesome most of the time, and you're in the front half.

tobythesandwich > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:28

0

Why show you that you're wrong? Your entire train of thought is wrong.

Leonard1818 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:28

0

I've always thought that when the driver sits wayyy back it kinda looks like the ace and gary SNL penis mobile... and always gives me the thought that the driver is overcompensating for something.

crowmolly > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:28

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I share a shop with a Porsche that was $140,000 back in the mid 80's. I've heard them all.

55Buick, Oversteer Scientist > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:28

6

But Pagani

El-Verde > Rico 10/23/2014 at 11:28

1

Remember, they must be beautiful , not just pretty.

But I think there are definitely some. Someone posted a Dusenberg earlier that nobody could argue with.

El-Verde > tobythesandwich 10/23/2014 at 11:28

0

:(

EL_ULY > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:29

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asbsvc > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:30

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I agree. But there is nothing sexier than a really successful race platform that also happens to be pretty. I think your 911 falls under that category given its pedigree.

El-Verde > 55Buick, Oversteer Scientist 10/23/2014 at 11:30

0

Why is his head nowhere near a headrest?????

But yeah...this is close to getting me to soften my stance. Is it beautiful? Or just beautiful because of its function?

Ultrakill > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:30

154

WRONG

stillthrottledown > I Do It For Miatas, NC Owner 10/23/2014 at 11:30

1

As "hip" as it is too say Volvo wagons are cool on Jalopnik that bitch is ugly.

cosmicspeed > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:30

36

Does not compute.

Makoyouidiot > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:30

0

Mazda 6

El-Verde > asbsvc 10/23/2014 at 11:30

2

Gahhhhhh....your compliments have softened my resolve!

This car is very, very pretty.

Stef Schrader > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 10/23/2014 at 11:31

2

HRRRRNG.

I think it's pretty much about proportion, though. The proportions on the Daytona Prototypes just look wrong to me. This 917, though—HRRRRNNNGGG.

sebdel > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:31

10

See? it is beautiful!

Pramoda Ravi (Promo) > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:31

0

PilotMan > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:32

6

It's the ratio of rear wheel height to the height of the body above the rear wheel.

Ivan's bloody nipple > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:32

0

'sup.

El-Verde > Makoyouidiot 10/23/2014 at 11:33

0

Close. Tie goes to me?

Phil Mo > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:33

0

False

Milky > Wheelerguy 10/23/2014 at 11:33

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Do what in paint? Y U No photochop?

El-Verde > PilotMan 10/23/2014 at 11:33

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I think you're really onto something with this. The wagon crowd will not love you but it's on to something.

joelja > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:33

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PanchoVilleneuve ST > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:33

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UGH SO UGLY

Wait, not at all. Quite the opposite, really.

Tripper > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:34

2

No it's a unnecessary way to draw the difference between a coupe and a sedan.

GreenN_Gold > crowmolly 10/23/2014 at 11:34

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"Remember there is some thickness to your body."

How rude!

kerc // drives a mirage, so what? > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 10/23/2014 at 11:34

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/threadOver

El-Verde > PanchoVilleneuve ST 10/23/2014 at 11:35

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nope.

Makoyouidiot > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:35

0

Damn that's close.

sebdel > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:36

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El-Verde > Tripper 10/23/2014 at 11:36

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So we agree that most sedans aren't beautiful?

bob3rt > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:36

3

Looks dead on to me too.

El-Verde > sebdel 10/23/2014 at 11:36

0

hahaha I'm obviously wrong.

McMike > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:36

7

Here's my four. You might be on to something here.

PilotMan > PilotMan 10/23/2014 at 11:36

2

Short overhangs can help to compensate.

El-Verde > sebdel 10/23/2014 at 11:37

0

Gorgeous!

But seriously....if you put that body kit and those wheels on an E-type it would look ugly too.

El-Verde > McMike 10/23/2014 at 11:37

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This must be embarassing for you...

But no! Vans and SUVs and Trucks don't count! You're good!

bobcat1059 > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:37

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Dsscats > El-Verde 10/23/2014 at 11:38

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My head is not part of the seat. My body has depth to it too. The way you did this one, my head would actually be partway through the headrest.

El-Verde > bob3rt 10/23/2014 at 11:38

0

not even close.

Mark Jacob > sebdel 10/23/2014 at 11:38

0

Oof. I guess we found the exception to this rule.

Marioshi > Milky 10/23/2014 at 11:38

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I think you found an exception to the rule...BLECH!